Enough???.....

Ive been up to the hospital to have my 'physio' assessment and meet with the team up there they were brilliant and understanding but I think ive had enough of all of this. enough of doctors enough of councillors enough of people who just don't understand. i don't want sympathy, i don't want to be seen as broken or as someone who makes excuses because they cant do things all because there body wont let them. but my body does hold me back and it is painful and ive had enough.
my life being back home hasn't been brilliant. i have to hold back my feelings, my pain i have to go back into my shell. i try and help them understand but its al ways met with 'everyone has pain' ;your dad has back issues he copes' when i was given the unfit to work letter i had an aunt say 'ill swap you my back' from family i have also been told 'you do nothing all day' 'your just lazy' 'you make that look a lot harder than it is'.
i would give anything to not have pain even for 1 moment and that 1 moment would mean everything to me because i don't remember not having pain i don't remember feeling free instead i feel trapped in my body trapped and in prisoned in pain every movement every moment pain tries to take over me and it wins sometimes i'm strong enough other i just have to fake a smile and laugh.

My bf is sweet and loving and he would do anything for me and he's proved it countless times. when i was throwing up he was there holding my hair and putting it up, he held me when i was crying, he caught me when i passed out on him a few times. when i'm with him he understands he helps and supports me when i'm at my lowest. when i feel alone i text him and no matter what he makes me feel better. the random 'I love you honey' texts and 'morning beautiful' always makes me smile. i don't always tell him everything about my situation and pain levels and how bad i feel but i don't want to be seen as less of who i am and seen as broken as i feel. he is worth so much more but he doesn't see it. I truly love him with all my heart and i don't know what i would do with out him and i pray i will never have to find out.

Week ago...

so i had an assessment with a mental health team i am now waiting to hear back from them.
Im going to have an older sibling rant now so sorry-
i am the older sibling of 2 sisters and a brother i am 21 i had to move back home from uni and am finding it hard to get a job with my health issues but i am trying. everyday i find doing the most simple things hard and no one in this family understands they all just call me lazy and stupid and that its all in my head. Every time all i want to do is cry i want them to understand but i fear they never will.